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 Minnesota winters are harsh and depressing. They wreak havoc on your psyche in terms of seasonal affective disorder or cabin fever. They cover your car, shoes, and pant cuffs in a fine layer of chemically treated salt and grime. They're long, freezing, and oftentimes deadly. They also completely fuck up your skin from head to toe. The air is dry and cold and whips through your clothes causing an itchy, flaky dermatological situation that drives me to near insanity and requires that I keep my nails short in order to avoid flaying myself alive.
Thus, I'm constantly on the hunt for the perfect body lotion. I've tried them all, from prescription Lubriderm to baby oil. Throw in the fact that I have EXTREMELY sensitive skin and dermatographia (stress/pressure hives), my search is often an ongoing odyssey. I tend to steer clear of scented lotions due to my skin sensitivity and the fact that some scents drive me nuts after about an hour. This epic search is all in the hopes of gaining baby smooth pasty skin that begs for strange men to touch. My linen closet and bathroom is filled with half-empty bottles of the latest miracle lotion/potion that I purchased after smelling and trying every other bottle of overmarketed shit in the personal care isle of either Target or Walgreens. So, here's a run-down of lotions I've tried, past and present:
AmLactin (from photo): This lotion contains 12% Lactic Acid, which is perfect for exfoliating and smoothing dry, rough skin. This used to only be available from the pharmacy, but you can pick up a bottle at Walgreens for around $13 for an 8 ounce bottle. That seems spendy, but a little squeeze of this goes a long way. I used this religiously for 2 months before prom in High School and it really does work. However, despite being fragrance free, it has an odd scent that I can only describe as sort of like powdered milk. Not exactly sexy, if you ask me, so I usually apply it at night, before bed. Also, it takes a really long time to absorb into your skin, so give yourself plenty of time before dressing, or you might end up ass over elbows on your bedroom floor while attempting to cram your sticky ass in some jeans. One further caveat, do not, I repeat, DO NOT apply this to your legs after shaving. Lactic acid + freshly shaved legs = personal care nightmare.
Bitch Creme (makers of "Dirty Girl" products): I bought this about 6 years ago because I thought the name was great. The lotion, not so much.
Hot and Flashy Hand and Body Cream: Has aloe, cucumber extract, and shea butter in it, plus has a cedar/lemongrass scent. Smells divine, works well, but not really worth the $13 I spent for about 5 ounces of product. Buy it if you want to smell sexy for a new guy.
Victoria's Secret "Touch Me Gently" Airbrush Moisturizer: I'll admit it, I was seduced by spray on lotion. Who wouldn't want to avoid goopy hands when you're in a hurry to get ready? However, this was the biggest marketing rip-off I've ever had the displeasure of buying. It's worthless as a moisturizer, smells like a $2 whore with Meth-sweat, and has glitter in it. GLITTER! What is this, 1999? Honestly, I should just throw it away.
Curel Intensive Moisture for extra dry skin: I love Curel's hand cream. It has this great, light citrus scent and absorbs nearly instantly leaving a silky feeling all over your hands. So, yesterday, I went to Target and bought a bottle of their body lotion. So far, I'm happy with it. It takes a little bit to absorb in, leaving a sticky feeling for about 3 minutes, but really does give you soft skin for 24 hours as claimed. Plus, you only need about half as much as you think you would (2 pumps per leg) and has a mild scent that goes away after it dries. An excellent all purpose lotion.
Watkins Spray-on Dry Oil/Johnson & Johnson Baby Oil, Lavender: Sometimes I think a body oil will be the best plan of attack. Those are the times when someone should kick me in the crotch. Seriously, it takes forever to absorb and the scents are so cloying that I start to hate myself after 2 hours. Furthermore, it makes your skin too slippery. I applyed the lavender stuff once after shaving and then wore a dress to go out for drinks, my skin was so slippery that I couldn't cross my legs, my left leg kept slipping off my right knee. Annoying.
Cetaphil Body Lotion: The most highly recommended brand of skin care products by dermatologists for people with sensitive skin. I love their facial cleanser more than I love my own mother, so I thought I'd give their lotion a try. Cetaphil is probably the best value, since you get a giant jug of it for under $10 and it'll take months to use, as a little goes a long way. I liked this brand, and it's probably the only lotion I've almost used all the way up (besides Lubriderm) in my life. The only down side is that it also takes a little longer to absorb fully into your skin than I prefer.
BeneFit's Bathina "Touch me then try to leave" Cream: I bought this during a credit card shopping frenzy a couple of years ago at Sephora, because I'm a sucker for retro packaging and an even bigger sucker when I walk through Sephora's doors. This container could have been filled with Vaseline and I would have bought it. It's actually a really nice body cream and does make your skin soft like a 1940's screen siren, unfortunately, it smells like your grandmother's perfume. It's really heavy on the rose scent, which I, personally, can't stand. Really, it makes me gag. When I smelled it at the store, it didn't seem as strong, but once I smoothed it on, I smelled like a nursing home...for about 8 hours. $28 is a high price to pay to make yourself sick, if you ask me. However, I use it every once in a while after shaving or just on my legs if I'm going out, because, goddamn it if it doesn't feel so wonderful and absorbs into skin nearly instantly. I would recommend buying this only if you have an inkling that you're going to get laid the night you wear it, or if you really like rose scented perfumes.
I'm eager to hear what you all like to slather all over yourself during the winter months...cuz I'm always looking for new products to clutter up my linen closet.
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